Sam Femiano, AMSA Pioneer and Mentor, Passes Away
December 5, 2009 by Editor
Filed under Men's Studies News
AMSA founding member, long-time president and treasurer, men’s studies pioneer, mentor and close friend to members, Samuel Femiano, died peacefully at home on Thursday December 3rd in the presence of friends and family. Sam will be remembered as a gentle, caring and loving soul mate to all who knew him. While caring for his wife, Patricia Coonerty, who died of cancer in June of this year, Sam was also fighting pancreatic cancer, which was the cause of his death.
Born in Rochester, NY on October 6th, 1932, Sam entered the seminary when he was 17. He received his Bachelor’s and Master’s Degrees from the University of Toronto, Master’s of Education from the University of Rochester, Doctorate of Theology from the Insitut Catholique de Paris, and Doctorate of Education in Counseling Psychology from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.
Sam is survived by his daughter Aimee Coonerty-Femiano, his brother Donald Femiano, several nieces and nephews, and many friends who deeply cared for him and Pat.
Sam’s career reflected his deep nurturing love of others. Sam was a Clinical Psychologist in Northampton specializing in the psychology of men and masculinity. He was a founding member of the American Men’s Studies Association. Before opening his private practice in 1986, he held a variety of positions including clinician, staff and chief psychologist in various mental health programs in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. Earlier in his career he was Executive Director of Span Counseling Center in Feeding Hills, Massachusetts, Director of Program Development at Covenant House in New York, and Principal of Annex Village Campus School in Toronto, Canada.
Teaching and sharing his life experiences were always a major part of Sam’s life. He taught Psychology courses at Antioch New England Graduate School of Psychology, University of Massachusetts, Cambridge College, and Our Lady of the Elms College.
Early in his adult life Sam was a Catholic Priest and taught at St. Xavier’s College in Chicago, Seaton Hall University in New Jersey, University of St. Thomas in Houston, Texas, St. Michael’s College in Toronto Canada, and Aquinas Institute in Rochester. As a priest, Sam resided and taught in Paris, France from 1962-1966. He was fluent in French and Italian and used those skills in writing articles, translating books and interpreting at conferences.
Sam was an artist in both the written and oral word. He wrote numerous articles, chapters and book reviews exploring the depths of men’s psychological issues. He gave a variety of presentations dealing with topics including masculinity, spirituality, assertiveness, gender role issues, and fathering.
Sam had the world’s greatest eyebrows.
Sam’s wake took place Sunday, December 6th from 1-4 pm at the Czelusniak Funeral Home in Northampton, Massachusetts. Burial was private. There will be a memorial service on Sunday, January 24th at 1 pm at Helen Hills Hills Chapel at Smith College in Northampton. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Pancreatic Cancer Alliance and Hospice of Cooley Dickenson Hospital.
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Sam is irreplaceable. So many of us will miss his kindness, mentorship, warmth, and wisdom. I have lost a friend and colleague who knew and lived both strength and gentleness. He not only analyzed masculinity but lived as a model of what a fully human male could be. He’d object to being called a role model, but he pointed the way for decades to what we all could be. Well done, Sam. Rest in Peace.
Sam was a good friend, an inspiring colleague and a truly decent human being. His commitment to the work of dismantling negative masculinities–and helping people to deal with their toxic influences–has made a difference to me and to many others. Things I appreciated most about Sam (beyond the eyebrows, of course, which frankly were not always easy to get beyond….)included his sense of humor, his open mind, and his gentle spirit. I miss him already.
AMSA members sentiments and memories regarding Sam, his work, and his passing:
Don Levy–I too am deeply saddened. Sam welcomed me to AMSA and “encouraged” me to take a leadership role, an opportunity for which I am so grateful. I always looked forward to seeing Sam and appreciated his smile, laugh and sensitive caring nature. I will miss him.
Jean-François Roussel–I learn that news with sadness. Sam was very encouraging after my first presentation (in English, Gosh!) in 1999 in Nashville and I felt encouraged to present a paper to the Journal of Men Studies. I will remember him as the kind of man and of human I try to become everyday.
In 1999, when I presented in Nashville about the representations of men in Catholic popular literature in French Canada in the first decades of 20th. Century, I had some apprehensions. Who could be interested in that topic about marginal men – inside a marginal society? Sam was in the room. We had a conversation together afterward. He invited me to explore a little more in that direction; I decided to believe him. 10 years later, AMSA was in Montreal and we discussed widely about men, margins, cultural differences. Personally, I see a close link between that conversation with Sam, and what occurred on last April in my hometown.
Stu Johnston–It is hard to believe – I’m just very sad. Sam was very welcoming to me when I came to AMSA…I’ve explained to my wife the men I know via AMSA are just good guys…and we have lost one. It’s hard.
Jim Doyle–We are all so blessed to have had Sam among us for so many years. His work and spirit will continue to infuse our lives for so many more years.
I’ll miss him so much but my life without him would have been so much less.
Just a memory to share. The first time I met Sam was when he and I per chance sat next to each other in a lecture hall at St Louis University (the M&M conference in 1974). That was the conference where Sam and Martin Acker formerly took on the role of co-leaders of the Men’s Studies Task Group for NOMAS. During the presentation (Harry Brod was describing his work with Joe Pleck on the Men’s Studies Newsletter), Sam encouraged me to volunteer to rework the MS Newsletter into a more formal publication, which was to become within a year, the Men’s Studies Review. The rest is history, so much history.
Gar Kellom–My admiration for Sam drew me to AMSA. He seemed to me to be what the new masculinity looked like – sensitive, caring yet strong and visionary. I felt blessed simply being in his presence…
Steve Boyd–And I recall coming to my first M&M and Men’s Studies Conference in 1989 (Pittsburgh)–with a newly minted Ph.D.–and a paper to give. The first two people who greeted me at registration table were Jim Doyle and Sam Femiano. To me, as for many of you, Sam was warm, interested and–to my surprise (I wasn’t sure anyone much would be interested)–came to hear my paper on St. Thomas Aquinas! I learned at lunch that he had been a monk, left the order, married Pat, become a psychologist and sold his theological library–except for the Summa Theologiae of Aquinas. He said he wanted some day to write something about men’s studies, based on Aquinas’ intellectual framework. From then until now, I have looked forward each year to seeing and talking with Sam at our conferences. His brown leather jacket and smart, black beret have become symbols for me of the hospitable, supportive, and mutually correcting space AMSA is for us.
Harry Brod–Dear Friends and Colleagues.
My great condolences to all.
The year that a large group of UNI students came to present at AMSA, you have no idea how many of them asked me who was the guy with the eyebrows. I just explained that he has always been one of the group’s key leaders.
May the bells ring in the cadence of his speech.
Whitney Harris–Greetings,
“May the works that Sam did speak for him.”
Sam not only supported and encouraged me in my work around men’ s studies but he support me when I transitioned from active ministry as a Catholic priest. He was so very supportive. Sam also served as a faithful reviewer of my work in liberation theology–ever the great theologian.
Finally, we share some great moments about our common experience at Toronto School of Theology (St. Basil).
He truly was an elder.
Be well Sam.
Richard Pitt–Wow. This is so very sad to hear. Other than Mark Justad (who introduced me to AMSA), my very first interaction with AMSA-style masculinity was with Sam and Jim (Doyle) when they signed me in at my first AMSA conference in Ypsilanti. Until AMSA, I had only gone to conferences in my field where I was always surrounded by friends and colleagues. I was super nervous about the AMSA conference because I didn’t know anyone and, being much shyer than people take me to be, just didn’t know how I’d connect at all. So it was wonderful to be greeted by two guys who, for me, so represent what I love about the AMSA community. I didn’t know Sam nearly as well as most of you, but definitely will miss his adorable bushy eyebrows and wisdom at the meetings. But, since this is a time of “giving flowers,” I do want to extend my thanks and sincere gratitude to Jim, Whitney, Mark, and others of you who have made my membership in AMSA so rewarding and wonderful. Sam’s legacy lives on in you guys.
Vicki Sommers–Dear AMSA,
It was only today that I read through all the emails about Sam’s passing. It’s very sad to lose him. I’m sorry for being late in responding, I had some medical stuff myself on Friday and just checked out until today. I completely agree with what Robert has proposed as a means to honor him.
What is really clear reading everything all at once and thinking about my own experience with Sam, is that he recruited most of us into AMSA and into leadership roles within AMSA. Many of us might not be here on the Board without his advocacy and encouragement. His “AMSA shoes” will never truly be filled. But, it’s clear to me, that we all have a lot to do to carry on the nurturing and development work that he provided to AMSA for so long.
Marlen Eliot Harrison–Just want to offer you all my condolences. Though I didn’t know him, I see that many of you have lost a friend and for that my heart hurts.
I was a long time client of Sam’s. Sam helped me deal with the sexual, physical and mental abuse I suffered at the hands of my own mother. When I first met Sam I had been sober for seven years, but I was right back mentally to where I was before I started drinking and using drugs, the big Elephant was back. I was looking for a way to die and could not figure out how to make that happen. I guess deep down I knew if I did kill myself, my mother and the dark would win the war.
I remember the day when I shared a horrifying childhood event with Sam. As I was telling Sam the story, I was also telling myself I can never look at this man in the face again. I felt like I was worthless, so ashamed and weak for letting such a thing happen to me. It didn’t matter to me that I was a child at the time, I felt totally responsible for the abuse.
I remember trying to figure out how and the hell I was going to get out of the room that Sam and I were in together. Sam said the magical words “we have to stop now”, thank god I thought. Sam then stood up; I stood up. Sam looked at me with the most caring and loving look I had ever seen in my life and reached his arms out to me. Sam just stood and waited for my response. I walked towards Sam and he gave me a hug and said, “It was not your fault; we will figure this out”. I left and I was still not totally sure I was going to return, but I knew I was not going to kill myself that day due to Sam’s act of kindness.
The next morning the phone rang and it was Sam calling to see how I was doing, and we briefly spoke on the phone. I later that day met with Sam at his office and continued my long road to recovery.
I love Sam and miss him dearly, he saved my life.
Wayne Parks
I knew Sam from a different perspective. I am Loren Frankel’s father and met Sam for the first time 5 years ago in the hospital room in Washington DC where Loren had just died. In the middle of my personal tragedy an extrememly close relationship with Sam developed. We visited each other in Massachusetts and California on a number of occasions, talked and corresponded frequently. The core of my relationship with Sam during the past 5 years was that he “got it”. In my mind I continue to hear him say “I know” in response to my describing my deep emotions. It felt as if I had known him for ever. He understood grief (both mine and his) and he did not feel uncomfortable talking about it.
Men like Sam are rare.
Tom Frankel